Before that time there was nobody to
compare myself with. In our state, you see, all lead the same
life, and now that I see how others live, I look back at my life,
and the recollection is hard and bitter. But it is impossible to
return, and even if you could, you wouldn't find your youth again.
And I think I understand a great deal. Here, I am looking at you,
and I recollect all your people whom I've seen." She lowered her
voice and continued: "Maybe I don't say things right, and I needn't
say them, because you know them yourself; but I'm just speaking for
myself. You at once set me alongside of you. You don't need anything
of me; you can't make use of me; you can't get any enjoyment out of
me, I know it. And day after day my heart grows, thank God! It
grows in goodness, and I wish good for everybody. This is my thanks
that I'm saying to you." Tears of happy gratitude affected her voice,
and looking at them with a smile in her eyes, she went on: "I want to
open my heart before you, so that you may see how I wish your welfare."
"We see it," said Nikolay in a low voice. "You're making a holiday
for us."
"What do you think I imagined?" the mother asked with a smile and
lowering her voice.
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