"
What was so unnatural for the particular boy I was concerned
with was this sudden revelation of a consciousness and a plan.
That was what really overcame me, what prevented my going in.
I walked round the church, hesitating, hovering; I reflected
that I had already, with him, hurt myself beyond repair.
Therefore I could patch up nothing, and it was too
extreme an effort to squeeze beside him into the pew:
he would be so much more sure than ever to pass his arm
into mine and make me sit there for an hour in close,
silent contact with his commentary on our talk. For the first
minute since his arrival I wanted to get away from him.
As I paused beneath the high east window and listened to the sounds
of worship, I was taken with an impulse that might master me,
I felt, completely should I give it the least encouragement.
I might easily put an end to my predicament by getting
away altogether. Here was my chance; there was no one to stop me;
I could give the whole thing up--turn my back and retreat.
It was only a question of hurrying again, for a few preparations,
to the house which the attendance at church of so many of
the servants would practically have left unoccupied. No one,
in short, could blame me if I should just drive desperately off.
What was it to get away if I got away only till dinner?
That would be in a couple of hours, at the end of which--
I had the acute prevision--my little pupils would play at
innocent wonder about my nonappearance in their train.
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