"
"Well, Mr Steward," replied Mr Phillott, "I'll be d----d if you ar'n't
as big a liar as your--" (master, he was going to plump out, but
fortunately the first lieutenant checked himself, and added)--"as your
father was before you."
The captain changed the conversation by asking me whether I would take a
slice of ham. "It's real Westphalia, Mr Simple; I have them sent me
direct by Count Troningsken, an intimate friend of mine, who kills his
own wild boars in the Hartz mountains."
"How the devil do you get them over, Captain Kearney?"
"There are ways and means of doing everything, Mr Phillott, and the
First Consul is not quite so bad as he is represented. The first batch
was sent over with a very handsome letter to me, written in his own
hand, which I will show you some of these days. I wrote to him in
return, and sent to him two Cheshire cheeses by a smuggler, and since
that they came regularly. Did you ever eat Westphalia ham, Mr Simple?"
"Yes," replied I; "once I partook of one at Lord Privilege's."
"Lord Privilege! why he's a distant relation of mine, a sort of fifth
cousin," replied Captain Kearney.
"Indeed, sir!" replied I.
"Then you must allow me to introduce you to a relation, Captain
Kearney," said the first lieutenant; "for Mr Simple is his grandson."
"Is it possible? I can only say, Mr Simple, that I shall be most happy
to show you every attention, and am very glad that I have you as one of
my officers."
Now although this was all false, for Captain Kearney was not in the
remotest manner connected with my family, yet having once asserted it,
he could not retract, and the consequence was, that I was much the
gainer by his falsehood, as he treated me very kindly afterwards, always
calling me _cousin_.
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